Reflections

So the countdown I've kind of been avoiding officially begins. It's 11:15pm, and my birthday is in 45 minutes. I'm going from the all wonderful, amazing, huge 21st birthday, into my casual, "they just never seem like much after 21" 22nd birthday. What is with people crapping all over birthdays beyond 21? I must admit that staying forever 21 has sounded pretty good, although there are no vampires from Forks around here to grant me that wish. On one hand I really don't want to get older. I feel a nagging pressure, like: "Sara you're getting older. You need to figure out for sure what you want to do in life. Other people your age already have their bachelors degrees under their belt, and you don't. And if you ever want to get married... well that doesn't seem like it's gonna happen any time soon. And children! You have to have a good paying job and be able to support them. People nowadays get married in their 30s and have kids in their 60s!" What?! I don't want to be an old bride. I want to be in my twenties and I want to start a family in my mid twenties, and now I feel like the pressure is on. Every year I'm getting closer and closer to that age full of hopeful future. I want to be married by twenty-four and have kids by at least twenty-six.

Other times I feel happy about getting older because it means that calm, relaxed, mature living is ahead of me and my old soul. It means that I'm growing up and growing into myself, and I am finally an adult... what we all yearn to be in our youth. It means that I will have soulful journies and tea time bonding with my mom, remeniscing on my terrible teens! It means that I'm getting another year of life experience and a greater appreciation for the small things, not taking any for granted, but being eternally grateful. It means that I am closer to my goals of a family, and that their reality will come to fruition soon.

I guess its a little scary to realize that things are changing and life is shifting from child to adult in many ways. Even though they say you are an adult at 18, I feel more changes now than I ever did at that age. I think it has a lot to do with expectation. The pressure is only there because I have put it there. Truly only I have the power to do that to myself. I guess its not as big of a deal as I originally thought. Yes, its another year wiser and older, but if life doesn't unfold just as I envision it, it won't be the end to all. I think I just need to chill out and enjoy the fact that its my birthday in a few minutes. Whatever happened to just being excited to get older? Am I really getting that old, or am I just acting like I'm over the hill?