Sunday, June 29, 2008

One-Sidedness

Okay so I've decided that there's this whole unfair one-sided thing about some friendships.

Recently a friend of mine has dealt with this issue, being the only one who makes any effort for the friend relationship. I told them to just back off or be up front depending on how much the relationship meant to them. They decided to take the middle road for both options, slightly backing off while dropping subtle hints at how they're bothered by this unreciprocated union. It was unnoticed, therefore a more direct approach would be needed. I could see how they felt upset and hurt by this other person's behavior, and I decided then to change some of my own ways.

I'll be upfront. I have definitely been guilty of the one-sided bug. Where friends of mine clearly make more of an effort to hang out and do things, while I am completely content spending time by myself in the bookstore over drunken nights out with the girls. I always try not to hurt anyone's feelings though, and usually make a date to do something in the near future or drop a quick phone call. I know its not optimal; I'm working on it. But when people are clearly going out with other friends and ditching you, what are you supposed to do?

I recently got bitten. One of my oldest friends, actually the oldest friendship I have, is so guilty of one-sidedness that I really want to call her out on it. I've realized that the only one making the plans or even calling the other person was me. I would even hold off on calling her to actually see how long she'd go without calling me. It lasted about one week, until she called to show me something from class which I had volunteered to be a part of. I guess she was just so happy with her grade that she needed to spread her happiness. After that I kind of forgot about her one-sidedness, or maybe I just suppressed it because I wanted to just have fun hanging out with her, even if I was the only one making the moves to do so.

Then exactly a month ago I got very sick. I'd made plans to go visit a school with her, but in my condition there was no way I could go or even speak to ask a question. I decided to pass on the trip. I got a text letting me know someone would go with her and to feel better. That was June 4th, and the last time I heard from her. No "How are you doing?" "Are you feeling better?" Not even a call to hang out. She quit me cold turkey, after a friendship that spans our entire life of basic comprehension. I really can't believe just how little our friendship meant to her. And then I see her on facebook posting up pictures of her and all of her friends from elsewhere out and about, and it reminded me of another shitty friend moment she passed onto me.

On her birthday she invited all of her friends from work out to a restaurant. Did she call me? No. Not even a "drop by" or invitation. Dirty. I feel such victim to the one-sided friendship that I won't be going out of my way to make any more effort on this one. I'll just continue this experiment as long as I care and then hopefully I won't.

My opinion is this. If you are a victim of the one sided friendship speak up or step back. Obviously you aren't that important to the person, or they do not possess the right social skills to maintain the easiest relationship there is. And if you are guilty of being a non participant in the friendship, at least be upfront and explain why it's like that.

I've decided to step back and let people be that don't make any effort. I don't need her friendship to know that I'm important or that I have people who care, and most likely it'll just pass anyway. I'm not going to fixate on it and if it's just one that phases out, so be it. I won't hold a grudge, and I must say that dealing with inconsiderate friends has actually brought me and my other friend much closer to appreciate one another for who we are and how caring we both are, so there's good in even a bad situation.

2 comments:

Sally said...

Sometimes there is another side. Sometimes a different perspective. It's like a game of chess in which you may have met your match but maybe you're too afraid to even try.

Sariana said...

There will always be two sides to a story or relationship, but friendships shouldn't have to be as calculated as a game of chess. There should be a naturalness that makes every step full of ease, not fear. Afterall that's the whole point of having them, to me at least.