Thursday, July 31, 2008

A New Beginning

Another summer, just one more year and this will all be over. All I have to do now is just put the key into the lock and turn the doorknob. That's it. But why is it so hard to do? I mean it was a total accident. I'd never meant for any of it to happen. Though it seemed Charla had it out for me, and that might be the root of all my problems now. I knew she was just waiting for me to slip up somehow. I'd been clean for almost two years with a spotless record. My dad was finally giving me back the priveledges I should have owned by then, and I was starting to feel better. Not quite happy, but better. My progress was amazing.

Charla hated that her mother Nancy fell in love with Ted. She hated it because of me. I thought Nancy was perfectly fine. She actually tried to bridge the gap I was trying to create between myself and my father for so long. And dad was always a saint. He couldn't be held responsible for any of my actions. Really, he was a great dad. I was just a mess. I could span the whole twenty years of my life explaining why I'd become so self destructive. A ticking time bomb waiting for any reason to explode. But, the worst of my problems came full circle that night, and I will never forget the role Charla played.

That needed to be behind me now. I wasn't going to let it thwart me. I'd been through too much and come too far for back tracking. I needed to focus on the future and just unlock the door, facing it. I looked down at the doormat and a flashback hit me like a bolt of lightning.

It was three years ago and I'd somehow escaped from the runaway gang I was in. I found myself outside of Ted and Nancy's holding onto a broken glass bottle. I had planned on using it for protection, but I was holding the wrong end. Blood gushed from my hand as I squeezed harder. Anything to feel like a normal person would. I cried out in pain as the cops raced in. The whole spectacle embarrased my dad, but he had to do it. I was loaded and ready. I stood on the doorstep holding a shard of glass to my neck threatening to hurt myself. Ted was in agony. Nancy remained calm. Charla smirked with her eyes daring me to do it, and Nancy noticed.

"Charla get in the house and go to bed. If you think that just because it's a Friday and there's chaos you don't have a bedtime, you're wrong!"

"Mom I'm an adult. Compared to Ana anyway."

She did it again and I charged her.

That's when they tackled me to the ground and restrained me with handcuffs. This wasn't the first time I was restrained this way. Sometimes for fun, other times like this. My face pressed up on the WELCOME HOME mat, and I laughed. The irony of the situation grabbed my sense of humor, and I heard Ted tell them to take me back to rehab.

It took quite some time before I even realized the permanence of my situation. Somehow I'd been brainwashed into checking myself in. Though I remember fighting tooth and nail not to go through those menacing cold doors. Ted followed the cop cars and ambulance all the way to Brigham. The neighbors all peaked out of their windows as we drove by, and I felt a shudder go down my body when we came to a stop out front.

"She needs more than an intervention Ted," Nancy whispered.

"I don't know how it got so out of hand, Nanc.. She was my baby, and her mother loved her, we loved her. So much." He creased his brows in sad frustration.

"Maybe it's deeper than love, like an addiction. You can't help what she got herself into. There was no way for you to be able to tell."

"But I knew she was depressed. I just thought that our situation might make her feel better, not a replacement, but some support. A family again."

"Honey, I know your intentions were good, but she got completely carried away. Sometimes we go looking for things in all the wrong places, and develop unhealthy patterns. Very unhealthy in Ana's case, but we're doing our best and all we can do now is be supportive and nonjudgemental."

Nancy was a therapist. She knew a lot about the nature of rumination and pointed out as much as she could to Ted. He was a simpler person. It was hard for him to grasp that some people were complicated, like me. Nancy was much more clinically understanding, and I liked that about her.

It wasn't easy admitting that I had a dangerous addiction. Especially one so taboo. It almost seemed normal to be addicted to drugs or alcohol. I occasionally used those vices here and there, but never at the rate of an addict. Although, my drug of choice was just as dangerous and deadly, and it got me into a shit load of trouble.

I filled out the line of the admissions form with sloppy handwriting .

Reason for entrance: Addiction to Sex

Of course I had more problems than just this. My mental status was purely volatile. I was severly depressed and suicidal. Hence the promiscuity and non carelessness. I knew it would take time, but at the moment I just wanted out. Out of the institution and out of myself and my life. I would have paid them to kill me.